Dear Diary – Chronic Courage

Dear Starry Night,

The patron saints of the wayward traveler looked to you to guide their way, ancestors of a culture steeped in respect for you. You lit their path through the inky night.

You are the original roadmap. Connecting the dots, a finger traces a path through your abyss.

You are a blanket that expands me rather than constricts me. Beneath your cool breeze I am infinitely small, and yet I am the whole universe. My worries subside under your ancient eye.

Careful, you warn. Even we do not last forever.

And when you do burn out, your light remains. You leave the kind of mark I dream of — stoking souls long, long after you are gone. You show me that even the strongest, most concrete fixtures of life are impermanent. You show me that while I am forever small, I am never alone.

Photograph of the big dipper: "You are the original roadmap."

“You are the original roadmap.”

You are the wisest of them all. You listen to my silent fears and aspirations as I lay below you on the cold, damp earth, grass tickling at the tips of my ears. You are imprinted as a patchwork into some of my most cherished memories.

And when I am apart, I look up at you, letting your cool light bathe my face and I know that no matter how far, this same light touches the faces of those that I hold dear.

You are not warm and coddling, but rather incite the strength and passion within us to light up our own darkness, to fight our own battles. You do not champion us, but you quietly believe in us.

“You incite the strength and passion within us to light up our own darkness.”

Photograph of the starry night sky: (You incite the strength and passion within us to light up our own darkness."

A sisterhood of strength, bright enough to light up the darkest of nights, you ease the fear of all. Some connected, some apart, you shine your brightest for all, never discriminating. And even when we cannot see you, when you are hidden and we feel alone, you shine still, promising us that we will see the light once more.

That is strength. To stand beside one another, solid and proud, and shine your light no matter who sees. You guide my way through the darkness. You show me how to find my own way through the darkness. And when I lose my way, all I need do is look up, and you are there to remind me that I too am made of stardust.

Pencil drawing of a woman's face, hair wild with constellations on her skin: "I too am made of stardust."

“I too am made of stardust.”

Love,

Ella

Dear Ocean,

My dad used to ask me, “If you could choose either the mountains or the ocean, which would it be?”

I knew his choice was you, ocean, but at first, mine was mountains. Mountains meant skiing, and as a ski racer, mountains were, and still are, a part of my identity, a chunk of who I am. But as I grew older and my fascination with you expanded, I found my answer coming in closer to a tie. When visiting you, it took me more and more time to say goodbye each time I left.

The more I get to know you, the more I wanted to spend my life getting to know you. I want to discover the secrets you hold, the life you breathe into this planet. I want to live out there, just you and me and the breeze filling my sails in a big, blue, endless world of our own.

“Just you and me and the breeze filling my sails in a big, blue, endless world of our own.”

A sailboat sails off into the sunset on the Pacific Ocean.

I go to you when I lose myself in order to find my way. You sing me your song, again and again, crashing against the rocks, wave after wave, until your message is pounded into my head:

Let go.

Let go of the negativity. Let go of the future. Let go of what you do not have control over. Let go of the weight you carry with you, and the duty you feel to appease others. Let go. Let go. Let go. You remind me that I am free. You remind me that I am alive.

A pencil drawing of a wave crashing powerfully, letting go of all that it cannot control.

“Let go.”

There are days when you are calm and there are days when you are angry, but you are always beautiful. True beauty is not dependent on showing up the way others want you to, but showing up exactly as you are.

The mountains may be a part of who I am, but you remind me of who I am. You take me exactly as I am, in whatever state I go to you in. When I get too proud, you knock me down. You keep me honest and on my toes. It makes every one of my cells sing just looking at the power building beneath your churning depths, your muscles rippling under foamy crests as you curl the weight of the world.

And then you let it go, releasing your hold and need for control just as you are teaching me to do. Only you can enrapture me so intensely, the mystery that you are, the sorcery that you seem to conduct. Only you can be at once so dangerous and comforting.

You calm, lapping gently at my feet, caressing my ankles as you swallow my broken tears in the dark. When I dive into you, you accept me willingly, wrapping your arms around me and stealing my breath away. And for one weightless, shocking second, you are all that was, all that is, and all that will be.

“You are all that was, all that is, and all that will be.”

The sun setting on the seemingly endless Pacific Ocean.

And when I shatter, you heal me,

one

jagged

piece

time.

“The tides are in our veins.”
~ Robinson jeffers

A photograph of the setting sun over the Pacific Ocean and a rock with a tiny figure perched on it, transfixed by the ocean. — A tiny me on my non-thinking rock.

Love,

Ella

Dear Future Self,

Hey there. Remember me? It’s the beginning of a new year. You moved to California a few short months ago, and are learning the ins and outs of how beautifully cruel the world can be. You reapplied to college recently. I’m not too attached to where you end up this time around. I hope you’re proud of your choice. I believe it will all work out the way it is meant to.

When it feels like the walls are closing in around me, I think of you. I think of all of the incredible things I know you are out there doing. You inspire me each and every day to keep pushing forward.

I know you have grown, but I hope you didn’t lose sight of who you are. I hope you made the choices you wanted instead of the ones that were expected of you. I hope the only person you are obsessed with pleasing is yourself. I hope you defied cultural standards and carved your own path. I hope you never let anyone tell you how to feel. I hope you let yourself feel — deeply and fully. I hope you trust yourself and your ability to make the most informed decisions. I hope that in the dark moments you remember your strengths, and in the light you celebrate them.

“I hope that in the dark moments you remember your strengths, and in the light you celebrate them. “

Photograph of the author looking over over a sweeping view of the Western Connecticut foothills, celebrating her strength.

You have already come so far, and I can’t wait to see how far you go. You are my role model. While I believe no one can truly figure life out, I imagine that you are more confident in yourself and your choices. I picture you at ease in the world, at ease in your own skin, at ease with your thoughts. I dream of you smiling easily and laughing often and traveling the world.

I hope you adventure. I hope you meet like-minded people. I hope you are challenged by people with differing perspectives. I hope you surround yourself with people that lift you up. I hope you slow down and watch the sunset. I hope you wake up to be blessed by the sunrise. I hope you climb mountains. I hope you surf often. I hope you continue to push yourself. I hope you’ve been to Europe. I hope you try new and exciting things. I hope your days are filled with childlike wonder at the daily miracles of the world.

Photograph of the author looking up at a massive redwood in Northern California, filled with childlike wonder at the daily miracles of the world.

“I hope your days are filled with childlike wonder at the daily miracles of the world.”

There are so many things that I want you to have done and be doing and dream of doing, but I trust that you will grow and adapt and make the best decisions for yourself. I know that may mean that your dreams change, and I want you to know that I’m okay with that. As long as you are following your heart and chasing your joy, the possibilities are endless, and the dreams are limitless.

I hope you’ve grown, but I hope you remember me. I hope you explore your passions and chase what you love. I hope you learn something new every day. I hope you hold compassion in your heart for everyone you meet. I hope you give yourself grace. I hope you are proud of how far you’ve come. I hope you are open and loving and brilliant and glowing. I hope you cry and I hope you laugh, both with abandon. I hope you feel alive. I hope you let your experiences fuel you, but not define you.

“I hope you let your experiences fuel you, but not define you.”

Photograph from below of the author jumping off a graffitied cliff into a lake in Northern Maine.

I hope you are out there, doing what you love, making the most of every moment. And I hope you find peace along the way. I hope you made your dreams a reality. But most of all, more than anything else, I hope you are unapologetically yourself.

With endless love from your biggest supporter,

You.

“Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there’s a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living.”
~ Anonymous